A little about … ... this blog. My name is Michelle Lasley, and I am a graduate of Portland State University. This space is where I enjoy exploring thoughts about human interactions both personal and abstractly through politics. Discussion, though, is where the real ideas are, so comment away!
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By Michelle, on September 7th, 2010
 Cover of Nonviolent Communication
Dealing with death is hard. And, I don’t think we ever get over the loss of a loved one. I think we just learn to live with (to cope) with the grief that can plague us, daily. Someone I know through these varied Portland networks just reconnected with a childhood friend, only to find out the friend had passed, had died. They are both in their mid-thirties. It’s acceptable when grandparents or old people die, but when it’s a peer when we’re young, or someone younger than us, we couple the grief of their passing with thoughts like, “They died too young,” or “They were taken from this world before their time.”
I’ve written a lot about grief since Cristi’s death in 2007. It’s a way for me to cope. To put these words on screen, to see if they accurately reflect how I feel. To see if other people share similar thoughts and feelings around death. We are dealt so much as mere humans, challenges, sadness, happiness, fortunate and good luck, bad luck, job losses, money losses, relationship losses — it’s been thought that if hell exists we are living in it. Such an emotional roller coaster throughout our lifetimes with one resounding theme: Life is not fair.
People disappoint us. We disappoint ourselves. Hopes are lost and realized, and throughout all that, we find ways to survive. Some people survive through their children, hoping for a better life for the children and their children’s children. Some people survive by hoping for a better day themselves. Some people survive by enjoying their relationships and learning how to create better relationships. Some people survive by realizing their passions and going, unabashedly, for their dreams.
The bottom line is that life is not fair. Life gives us challenges, rewards, failures, and successes – sometimes daily. I think the goal of life is learning how to navigate these stormy waters that we are thrown into, some of us at birth, some of us later in life.
We have the pursuit of happiness as a realized goal in our Declaration of Independence, by why do so many people fall short of what we deem, as a society, a noble goal? I am still reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg. He theorizes that depression stems from the inability to clearly articulate our needs. If we cannot define what we need, and need from others, how are we to get what we need from ourselves and from others? Grief is one of the greatest challenges we are dealt, as humans, where we need to realize our needs. Where what we need, the bubbling, boiling over of emotion, of “Life is not fair”, “Why did this happen to our family?” comes out, full force. A lesson, I know my family is still learning – how do you take this precious gift and learn from it, learn to communicate better, instead of distancing yourself from those needs and distancing yourself from those who care about you, thereby distancing yourself from loving relationships – which could lead to depression.
- Observe
- Feel
- Need
- Request
Rosenberg has more to say on the subject of nonviolent communication, but I think these four steps at are very helpful. My mother has always said no one has the right to argue with your feelings, and that it’s important to explain what action a person has done that has made you feel a certain way. Rosenberg expands on this concept by suggesting we be more specific. I felt angry, sad, frustrated, saddened when my sisters ex-boyfriend shot her and ended her life. I need to be able to express this sadness to those I care about. I would like those I care about to tell me how they feel so we don’t repeat this cycle of violence – of death.
Death. The epitome of the lesson, “Life is not fair.” Death, the wake up call when it hits close to home that life is too short. Death, a chance to renew relationships with those you care about who are still in this world. Death, a lesson I am still learning.
By Michelle, on September 6th, 2010
 Image via Wikipedia
I don’t remember buying it. It’s been on my bookshelf for more than 5 years, maybe 9. There was even a note in the margin of one page that says, “Share with Michelle,” in handwriting I don’t recognize. I don’t know who the note is for, but the quote is interesting, regardless. While discussing the power of positive thinking, Rosenburg explains how he set himself up with “Don’t thinking” as follows:
During the Vietnam War, I was asked to debate the war issue on television with a man whose position differed from mine. The show was videotaped, so i was able to watch it at home that evening. When I saw myself on the screen communicating in ways I didn’t want to be communicating, I felt very upset. “If I’m ever in another discussion,” I told myself, “I am determined not to do what I did on that program! I’m not going to be defensive. I’m not going to let them make a fool of me.” Notice how I spoke to myself in terms of what I didn’t want to do rather than in terms of what I did want to do.
A chance to redeem myself came the very next week when I was invited to continue the debate on the same program. All the way to the studio, I repeated myself all the things I didn’t want to do. As soon as the program started, the man launched off in exactly the same way as he had a week earlier. For about ten seconds after he’d finished talking, I managed not to communicate in the ways I had been reminding myself. In fact, I said nothing. I just sat there,. As soon as I opened my mouth, however, I found words tumbling out in all the ways I had been so determined to avoid! It was a painful lesson about what can happen when I only identify what I don’t want to do, without clarifying what I do want to do.
I know I relate to this line of thinking, whether the quote was intended for my eyes or not. When I was selling books door-to-door for Southwestern, for example, we were encouraged to shun Mr. Mediocrity, the little green man who sat on your shoulder saying things like, “You can’t!” Rosenburg addresses this line of thinking when dealing with the fourth element of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), requests, and asking for specific requests.
- Observing without evaluating
- Identifying and expressing feelings
- Taking responsibility for our feelings (expressing needs)
- Requesting that would enrich life
So, my understanding of the methods behind nonviolent communication would be observing a situation or conversation, identify the needs of the other person and express your own, express your needs (through taking responsibility for what you feel), and then request, specifically, what you need.
Tonight, my husband noted our son’s diaper was in need of a change. I did what I normally do, “Would you like to change it?” I didn’t mean this! Sure, I wanted to offer it, but who looks forward to changing a poopy diaper? Not many people I know. So, I give my husband a choice, “Would you like to change Levi’s stinky, poopy, potentially really messy bottom?” And, then I act surprised when he says, “No!”? How fair is that.
Identifying my needs and making specific requests is definitely something I could stand to work on!
By Michelle, on August 30th, 2010
Rousseau complained in his First Discourse how, in the wake of the Industrial Revolution, we relied too much on specialists to answer our problems and too little on our own reasoning. He complained that we have Mathematicians, and Scientists, and Chemists to solve our problems, all commodifying humanity.
I had a discussion today with a friend, and advocate of Dr. Sears Attachment Parenting, who described attachment parenting more as a means to get in touch with our intentions, desires, and how we really want our children to grow up. Then, recognizing these things, making conscious decisions in our parenting to reflect those values. She bemoaned folks who have a desire to check things off a list and call that attachment parenting because it took the feeling out of it. Attachment Parenting, from what I understand of her view of it, is taking conscious goals and relaying them to situation-specific moments within the big picture.
I argued that attachment parenting, worded that way, was more a way to engage a paradigm shift in our society where we move away from these roles (as Rousseau described) into more holistic thinking and living.
What do you think?
By Michelle, on August 30th, 2010
Image via Wikipedia
To date I have had 18 months of methimazole, 1 radioactive iodine treatment, and more blood tests than I can recall. Each step has decreased my thyroid hormone activity, but I am still hyperthyroid. We’ll check the labs again, and won’t do anything until November (when my year will be up for radioactive iodine), but likely we’ll have to do something . . . → Continue reading Grave’s Disease 2010 . . .
By Michelle, on August 30th, 2010
I really want to know how much money people allocate each month for food, and then what they spend that money on. I’m so curious about meal planning and daily eating habits of others. Maybe it’s a sort of guage of normalcy, but it’s also a guage to see simply where we are.
We used to budget $400 per month for food. For some time, we were eating $3 per person per day. Now, we spend and by default budget $6000 per month for food. I’m not sure we’re eating any better nutrition wise than before. And, I’m hard . . . → Continue reading Food Budgets . . .
By Michelle, on August 29th, 2010
I'm including this image of Standsted because it highlighted one of my most frustrating travel experiences when I went abroad in 2006. Grr travel! So fun, so needed, so hated! Image by rpeschetz via Flickr
I like to read. I’ve got my Google Reader operating at a rate that I use and monitor. I like reading blogs. I wish my Momma friends would blog more! I like reading blogs about the things that interest me. (Yes, Mr. McMahon, that sentence was a lot like, “Skiing is fun. Skiing is good exercise.”) So, what interests me? Food. Public . . . → Continue reading So Much Anger (Around Transit) . . .
By Michelle, on August 27th, 2010
I wasn’t married. It must have been October 2004. Something in the air stirred, and I got the stomach flu. I think, of all the many reasons, the one reason that sticks out most on why I don’t drink (much) would be the occasional puke factor. I hate puke. Hate it. I mean, seriously, no one loves it, but I mean I H.A.T.E. I.T.
October 2004, I was single, living with a Saint of a Roommate because she, without complaining, cleaned up my projectile vomit when I got sick for a few days before Thanksgiving. It turned into the . . . → Continue reading Lasley Puke-fest 2010 . . .
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